🙌 When not shaking hands is... okay?

When is it socially acceptable not to touch?

Many everyday social interactions involve physical touch, particularly in the workplace where handshakes are a common greeting. But for some neurodivergent people, these gestures can feel uncomfortable or overwhelming. 

People are usually understanding when there is an obvious reason for not shaking hands, like a broken arm in a cast or a finger strapped up. 

But what if a person didn't want to shake hands for a different reason – like sensory sensitivities or social anxiety? Would people be just as understanding?

💡When touch comes with rules

In some settings, certain greetings are the norm. A firm handshake. A hug. A clap on the shoulder. For some, these little rituals can feel like the glue of human connection.

But they’re not universally comfortable – or safe.

For many neurodivergent people, touch-based greetings can feel really challenging and uncomfortable:

• Sensory sensitivities can make physical contact feel overwhelming or even painful.
• Social anxiety can turn every interaction into a mental obstacle course.
• Past trauma may mean touch isn’t welcome – even when well-intended.

And while we tend to be understanding when someone’s in a cast or using crutches, we don’t always extend the same compassion when someone’s needs are invisible.

There’s a kind of “social hierarchy” of acceptable reasons for opting out of touch. Physical injury? No problem. Sensory overwhelm or mental health? Cue the awkward looks.

But just like a broken finger, these are real, valid reasons not to want contact. And they deserve the same respect.

This isn’t about politeness – it’s about consent, safety, and inclusion. It’s about recognising that our default ways of connecting might not work for everyone.

✅ Tips: How to make greetings more inclusive

• Ditch the assumptions. Don’t lead with a handshake – offer options. “Would you like a handshake, or would you prefer a wave?” goes a long way.
• Model choice. Greet people with a smile and a nod. Make it clear that physical touch is optional, not expected.
• Set the tone early. If you’re leading a meeting or event, explain that people can choose how they greet or connect. It gives everyone permission to opt out.
• Create visual cues. At events, try coloured stickers or badges to indicate comfort levels with touch. It removes guesswork.
• Normalise “no.” If someone pulls back from a hug or declines a handshake, respect it, move on, and don’t make it a thing.

📚 Recommendations

📘 Unmasking Autism by Dr. Devon Price – A must-read on masking, boundaries, and the cost of social expectations.
🖼️ Choose your welcome poster – A visual tool for schools (or workplaces) to introduce choice-based connection.

🧠 Closing thought

If we can accommodate broken fingers, we can rethink broken systems too. Let’s extend compassion beyond the visible – and rethink what connection really means.